trying to communicate...

I havent written in a while. I guess I havent been able to successfully channel my thoughts into one coherent piece. But that's okay; I am writing now, about what? I guess you'll have to find out!

"I didnt mean that"...I said to some chick in my dream. "then why the hell did you say it?"...she retorted. Even though the context of the dream is absolutely irrelevant to the point I am about to make, I couldnt help but wake up and be baffled at the complexity of communication. Human relationships rely on the success of communication between parties. Verbal language, body language, and their lack thereof all come together as the things we 'say' to each other.

I tried to do some research about how many words there are in the English language. It was futile, so I came to the conclusion of about, somewhere around, infinity! Counting all the different lexemes, compound words, and dictionary entries would prove insane, so I just guessed the amount of words available for human communication cannot be numbered.

ok..so why all these? I am constantly baffled at how we cannot find the right words to express how we feel, and sometimes say what we do not mean, as I did to the pretty lady in my dream. There are some people that are master communicators; people who know exactly what to say at the right time to the right person to exude the right reaction...I am sure you know, or have met someone like this before. but the majority of us constantly try to find the right words to express our current feelings and emotions.

But what is it about human emotion that makes it so hard to express? We think in words, true, but we do not feel in words. Our thoughts are basically just our conversations with self and imaginary company. But feelings however do not happen in words, it doesnt elude to rational thought and explanation.

"I feel happy, I feel sad, I love you, I hate you, I feel stupid, I feel like a million bucks". These are all wordified emotions, these are emotions put into understandable words. Its like translating from one language to the other, from Hebrew to English maybe? Sometimes we are able to say how we feel, but does it mean that we are able to say everything we feel? Our uncounscious translation from the language of emotion to the language of thought, i.e the language of speech sometimes leaves out the things that really need to be said--the things that are really felt, and some things do get lost in translation.

I dont know if I am making sense to anybody that might be reading this. Again, it might be that I am not communicating effectively. But as humans, I find that we are constantly travelling between those worlds- how we feel and how we say.

Comeback

I got hit by a train

Caused 107 casualties

But I felt no pain.

Not me…I'm impervious,

Mind of steel, heart stone cold,

self doubt is not obvious;

Enchanting mettle, easy to uphold.

Now, I'm reaching for something,

But I look at the mirror,

and I see nothing.

I feel the sutures coming out,

Now it can beat well again,

Take in my blood and pump it out.

Yes! It beats well again.

What does if feel like?

Great I say…

Everybody loves a comeback.

And I'm back, anew,

Great, prime and strong,

Like Lance Armstrong,

But with two.

Success

What is success? What does it require? When does it come? How do you know when you have it?

A couple of months ago, around the time of my college graduation, I got into a cordial argument with my parents about success. They were trying to paint me as a success, while I was trying to paint myself as still having a lot to look forward to. I knew it was an argument I wasnt going to win. I knew I wasnt going to convince them that I am not successful yet. Deep down I was trying to convince myself that I am still hungry for success, and that I havent achieved it yet. I guess it made them happy to see me achieve something, and so they could brand me as a successful child of theirs.

However, thinking about this topic for so long has made me realize that success is not just one thing to be achieved at the end of ones life, or after a series of achievements, but it lies within each and every one of those achievements that accrue over time. You are not a success because you earned a PhD, you are a success because you diligently attended classes and contributed to your educational development. You are not a success because you earned a million dollars, you are a success because of your hard work, because of every single dollar you make, laying a foundation for a better future for yourself and your family.

It is not the culmination of all your achievements that make you a success, but every single action- every single achievement on its own.

After a while, I realized that success is a continual thing, achieved everyday, every single moment, and not at the end of a career or a lifetime. This realization caused a paradigm shift in my perceptions. What if I can be a success everyday by doing the little everyday things in life? By helping that old lady cross the street, I have successfully contributed to the womans life; probably even saved her from a vehicular accident. By giving a penny to a poorman, I have successfully contributed to a homeless man's lunch. Wow, I can be a success everyday without even thinking about it.

I believe that the feeling of success comes from happiness. Not joy in what you can achieve, but in the good it brings. When you have the personal conviction that you can contribute (or have contributed) to humanity to the best of your abilities, then you are successful. Some people have that realization at the end of a long career or life,some at the end of the month, and some some at the end of a long day.

This means that anybody can be successful. A toddler that just learned how to walk is successful, so is a 9 year old who resisted telling a lie to his parents, so is the high schooler who made a marked improvement in his math class, and so is the CEO who brought his company into record profits.

Success is an everyday thing. You just have to find it in your everyday lives. A wise man once said: "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful"

At any stage in life, anywhere you find yourself, you can be successful at anything; just do the best you can, and be the best you can.

Empathy

I muttered to myself a few days ago: "I am a prisoner of my biography". I heard the words "prisoner" and "biography" separately from stray talk in my surroundings but they came together in my subconscious to form that simple statement. As I though more about what I just said, its veracity became more obvious.

We can only see the world as we experience it. Our pasts and presents define our worldview. The experiences we have had affects how we tackle similar situations in the future. For example, If your car gets rear ended once, you will freak out everytime you see a car approaching you through your rear view mirror. Our perception of life is limited by our experiences.

I thought of the lady I met on a bus a few years ago. She entered the bus with her ~5 year old daughter. As soon as they entered the bus, the environment changed. The little girl was very restless, and was disturbing the peace of all the passengers in the bus. I was more surprised by the fact that the mother decided not to do anything about the unruliness of her daughter. Due to my experience with other restless children, and their sometimes willfully oblivious parents, I asked the lady to keep her daughter in check. She took my advice and called her daughter to bay. Then she explained to me how her younger son was sick in the hospital with leukemia.

You can imagine the embarrasment I felt. Now I could see the world through the lady's eyes. I told her I was sorry about her situation, and I understand if her daughter wanted to play around in the bus...now you cant blame the little girl.

We experience situations like this everyday, our experiences deter us from seeing life through the eyes of other people. Our empathy is significantly impaired by our own biography. We are imprisoned in our own perceptions, failing to see life through other peoples lenses.

For us to experience a whole new level of existence, we need to realize that life is a picture. We are only seeing a part of it, and to get the complete picture, we need to look at it from other peoples' perspectives.

Then you can see that your misfortune might not be that bad afterall, or that disappointment is only a blessing in disguise, or a delinquent coworker might be going through a personal problem, and needs your help badly. All it requires from us is to be removed from ourselves for a minute and experience life through the eyes of that neighbor of ours.

Remember: People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

The issue of purpose

I was unable to sleep last night, after my nightly ritual of phone conversations, facebook chats, yahoo IMs, etc I still couldnt sleep, so my mind began to wander, i started to think about purposes and reasons for existence. Am I in this world for a specific reason? or an I here as an entity just to occupy space? Do I have some specific role to preform to make this world a better place? or Am I here to be affected by others will and decisions without making any contribution whatsoever?

I thought about the kind of people that are remembered throughout time, even after they leave this world. George Washington, Adolf Hitler, Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Ghandi, Idi-Amin, Alexander Graham Bell, Martin Luther King, Neil Armstrong, and so on. These are people whose names whose names will always remain indelible in the pages of history. They, at one time or the other, were regular human beings. They led regular lives, before being called to greatness or villiany. All these people were leaders of some sort or breed.

The concept of transformational leadership came to mind. I thought about how leaders are made. Are people just born with the gene of leadership naturally embedded within their genomes, or do they acquire the skill at some point in their lives? Personally I believe leaders are made and not born. Leadership is some sort of quality that grows (or sprouts) like a seed depending on what the situation calls for.

Did these people have some kind of role to play in the universe? Did the effectively play that role? How did the world change because of their existence? George Washington laid the groundwork for a great nation, Adolf Hitler typified the description for institutional evil, Abraham Lincoln defines great leadership, Ghandi led a people toward freedom, so did King, and Alexander Graham Bell made that last phone call I made last night possible. See, these people are remembered...

I want to be a person that is remembered. Not necessarily famous, but remembered. The secret to that lies in unlocking my purpose of existence, I believe. Many a person passes through this world without being noticed. They conform to the social norms laid down before them. They live a life, but they do not live the life that will be talked about and written about for centuries to come.

I value my life so much, I have enough value for it to let it slip into the abyss of the forgotten. I have a personal philosophy to put as many smiles on peoples faces as possible, and if impossible, take as many frowns away as I can. But is that enough? I asked myself last night....I may not find the answer to that question, but I am prepared to give all I can to life, do all the good that my physical and mental essence permits, and hope that I am judged fairly in the light of history.

Then I thought about the feasibility of 'nerve' replacement surgery for anxiety patients (lol)...and sleep came, greatly missed, but always welcome.

Future

where are you? where do you want to be? how are you gonna get there? Those are the questions that have been floating around my sea of thoughts lately. After an impromptu session of motivational speaking to a friend, I was forced to revisit some of these thoughts and find their true essence.

See, life is a culmination of the past present and future..sounds obvious right? yeah it is. But whats hidden is the realization of our constant movement between these three realms. When we think of the past we are in the present, and constantly making additional 'past'. We think of the future and we constantly near that which we think of. This makes the present seem very ephemeral doesnt it?

We all want great and bright futures for ourselves. We all know what we want. We all want some kind of comfortable, hassle free existence in the future; but little do we know that the 'when' we think of is constantly approaching, but the 'what' we think of simply remains a fantasy. We are constantly growing old, but are we approaching the future we desire?

So how do you get to this place that you want to go? how do you achieve that successful life you have always dreamt of? how do you get into the future and look into the past with pride and smile at all the obstacles you have surmounted?

Its all about that futuristic mindset you know...do you want to make it happen, do you want to let it happen, or do you want to wonder what happened? Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare and plan for it today. Take every step knowing all other steps you will take depends on that which you just took.

Remember...the future is always beginning now!

I love you? Really?

Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies…the whole meet kiss say I do and live happy forever crap…give me a break. 9 out of 10 of them will end because they are not right for each other to begin with and 50% of the ones who get married get divorced anyway…..call me a cynic but believe…I still believe in love.…I still do believe in the mushy gushy cant eat sleep drink breathe type of love…bottomline, couples that are truly right for each other go through the same crap as everybody else but the difference is they don't let it take them down. Those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, they should count themselves as very fortunate people.

Ideally…

We think we have the ability

To spin chemistry into compatibility.

Sparks fly, fireworks erupt;

In the beginning, before happiness is corrupt.

How can we ever be happy without trust.

That and mutual respect, to me are a must.

But ok..what's this poem really about?

I guess we'll wait to find that out…

It not about the past…but the future;

When our wounds finally have sutures.

When we can open our eyes in vulnerability,

In the face of grave hostility,

Without fear, distrust, or misgivings;

When sins are finally forgiven,

When love becomes more than a craving,

Call me an idealist…but I hope I'm not mistaken.

If the way she walks makes you restless,

the scent of her perfume leaves you more than breathless,

and she feels the same about your finesse,

the oomph is insane.

But what's the point without longevity?

Before you know it, you're missing the affinity.

What if passion bleeds into compassion,

and self is out of the equation,

Then affection becomes indescribable…

it morphs into something unbelievable.

Not only for the heart to experience,

But the mind, the body, the soul, the spirit.

Yeah…I guess I'm an idealist.

The cake in the black box

i was given a cake
on a platter of gold
of use i didnt make
cos it was same as old

another one was offered
looking enticing and sweet
i refused..it wasnt preferred
cos i was too full to eat.

i saw this cake
in a small black box
calling, attracting, and enchanting.
i saw the box...i saw a fence...i saw a shield.
i ate the cake...still in the box...a taste revealed.
Sweet taste it was...still is today.
But...it was a good taste that masked decay.
I took the cake out of the box...
now...taste's sweet and sour...just like Fox.
Sometimes the sweet trumps the sour...
At times it only lasts for an hour...
i tell myself...i dont like this taste...
then i tell myself...hmmm...i love this taste...
Mind tells me...it was a mistake...
'taste buds' say... whatever it takes...
reality says there are other cakes
waiting to be savored...by your royal tongue.

La route a la paix

The need is peace!
Forget religion or race
Curt and short, life is.
A cry for help this is
64 today, 24 tommorow
12 yesterday buried in a burrow!

I look to realize
Why we fail to actualize
The dreams of the nestling;
Yes, dreams; so feeble thats all they do,
No struggle; no hustle,
No brute; no muscle,
Just life...life in quietude

I see peace, Oh yes I see peace:
In the eyes of a three month niece
We may get there; we may not
Though battered, shot, killed or hurt;
Though death may loom,
Life clears the gloom.
Opt to see the good
Happy mad or sad...Forget the mood!
And Peace shall come in the nude!

Peace!

Grim

I'm looking into the sky
I'm asking for the reason why,
the water the rain brings,
floods away all smiles and grins.

seems true what they say...
when it rains it pours;
that's why sadness chokes me today.
is this where I say with all my might,
that life's a bitch, we're all gonna die,
or is this when I lose sight
of the silver lining the clouds hide?